Unpicking Perfectionism
I’ve always referred to myself as a perfectionist. In school I was disappointed if I didn’t get the top grades and as far as I was concerned there was absolutely no point in going to university if I didn’t come out of it with a first class degree. I didn’t want to enter a 10k race unless I could run it in less than 50 minutes. I was constantly worried about how I came across to others and what people thought of me. I wanted to be the best and anything less than that was not good enough. I know how ridiculous this all sounds now, but I’m sure many people can relate to these kinds of thoughts. Over the years I’ve come to realise how damaging perfectionism can be and how it can actually hold you back, rather than push you to be better. Fellow perfectionists, this one's for you.
Reading a fantastic bestselling book by Dr Brene Brown recently called ‘Daring Greatly’, I learned a lot about my journey with perfectionism. I did a poll on my Instagram recently to understand how other people feel about perfectionism, and around half the people who voted thought of it as a good thing. I get it, because I used to too. However, in reading this book I began to understand that there is a difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence in a healthy way. It’s a fine distinction, but a hugely important one. Brene Brown explains that perfectionism is led by what people think of us. It’s a way to try and protect ourselves against being hurt in some way, usually showing up in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame. It’s an armour that we use. However, healthy striving is internally focused. It’s an intrinsic desire to be the best version of ourselves. It can be simply broken down into:
Healthy striving - ‘How can I improve?’
Perfectionism - ‘What will they think?’
Perfectionism is unattainable. That’s partly because it’s subjective. We may do something or act in a way that we perceive to be ‘perfect’, but that might not be how someone else sees it. As the saying goes; “you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches”. There is no such thing as perfect. I’ve learned that often the thought process behind perfectionism is based on fear. Fear that if we let our perceived perfectionism slip, we’ll be seen for who we really are and that we won’t be good enough. But ultimately this fear can stop us from being courageous and vulnerable. This is something that was echoed in my Instagram poll with the majority of voters saying that being a perfectionist holds them back from doing things.
“Perfection is a faux. It’s a mask carved by our own poor esteem to hide who we really are and make others see what really isn’t us.”
In the past I’ve allowed the fear of being seen as anything other than perfect to hold me back from doing a whole heap of things, from applying to jobs (‘What will people think when I don’t get it?’), learning a new skill (‘I’ll be terrible and people will laugh’), to making friends (‘They won’t like me’). But ultimately, being vulnerable allows us to build more deep and meaningful relationships, take risks, and generally allows us to live more wholeheartedly.
Since I’ve done much more work in the area of self love and self connection, I’ve let go of some of my perfectionist behaviours. I’m happy with who I am therefore I am willing to put down the armour of perfectionism and allow myself to be truly seen.
There’s actually a whole concept in Japanese culture which both accepts and celebrates imperfection called Wabi Sabi. In a book called Wabi Sabi Simple, Richard Powell writes that the philosophy accepts 3 simple realities: “Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.” The concept is all about finding beauty in unusual places and finding joy in moments that are often overlooked or underappreciated. In a world where social media has made comparing ourselves to others a whole lot easier, Wabi Sabi teaches us to be accepting of our perceived imperfections, appreciate what we have, and open ourselves to others without fear of judgement.
Whenever I feel like I’m getting stuck in a cycle of perfectionism, I come back to the quote ‘the wound is the place where the light enters you’. This is one of my all time favourite quotes by Rumi. It reminds us that no one is perfect - we all have little cracks in our armour - and it’s there that light, love and learnings can creep in. I now like to refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist. Someone who is always striving to the best that I can possibly be, whilst trying not to worry about getting approval or validation from others. Putting down the armour of perfectionism to take risks and be vulnerable has truly shifted my internal dialogue for the better. Maybe it’s time we all started being a little more imperfect with one another.